I Feel Like I’ve Become Lost

I’m sorry if this is a weird post. I haven’t written on here in awhile, but it’s the only place I used to post thoughts like this, and now I’m not really sure I have anywhere else to put it.

I feel like I’ve become lost. I’m not really sure what makes me happy anymore. I know I feel happy when I’m with my wife and pups, I know I feel happy when I finally hit flow state while writing, I know I feel happy driving early in the morning, drinking a cup of coffee and listening to jazz… But I don’t know what my ideal state is. I’ve somewhat given up on doing something I’m passionate about as a means of income, partially because I realize the pressure that could put on the passion. This ultimately means I could do something I tolerate for decades while doing the things that make me happy after the workday is over. But that explanation feels like complacency to me. That feels like settling for mediocrity, for a life where I can only be happy if I have the energy to after my energy has been spent on working an unfulfilling job all day.

I used to want. I was going to add more to that sentence, but I feel like that is enough explanation. To go further, though, I used to want to perform. I used to want to write and play music all day. I used to have visions that would make my heart race and make it impossible for me to concentrate on work. I wanted to live an uncommon life where I could be swept up in passion projects and turn them into a unique lifestyle very few others have. A sense of reality has since settled on me, and I think mayhaps a few non-successes, as I define success.

I feel as if I no longer have a grandiose vision for my life, and without that, I have a lack of direction. There is a lack of impetus because I am not squirming to get out of a straight jacket. This, to me, sounds an awful lot like complacency and giving up. It makes me sad, and yet, numb. “It’s just the reality of life as it is,” I tell myself. So how do I get back to dreaming? How do I go from acceptance to grieving to living again?