I Want To Be Terrified

I took a walk earlier today. In fact, I think I may go for another one here at the end of this post… I walked out the doors of my office building to simply enjoy the cool morning air. I went out there to talk with God, hoping that He’d strike me with some divine inspiration, or that I’d be hit by a bus. Sometimes I’d do anything to get away.

As I tried to breathe in slowly (you don’t realize how even just the action of going into work can speed up your breathing sometimes), I had just posted A Risk Worth Taking and my blood was boiling in that familiar way that caused me to start this blog. On my walk, I considered that the unfortunate thing is how I’ve allowed my blood to cool. Sure, I’m trying to grow up and gain some small sense of responsibility, but I want to be known for my spontaneous, adventurous nature someday. Not for how well I can sit down, shut up, and watch as my soul starts sprouting gray hairs and gets bald spots here and there before I’ve even reached my thirties.

What made my blood boil was the simple fact that I have just returned home from an adventure and I wanted more. I used to walk in to work every day with that same urge to stand up and run out, screaming at the top of my lungs. Now I tend to accept defeat as my computer boots up and I type in a password that I’ve pretty much forgotten altogether. Luckily for me, I have great muscle memory, and this place has turned me into a partial robot, as I suspected it would. Must be something about the recycled air and fluorescent lights. They probably inject semi-lethal amounts of robotic energy into the air that kills you slowly, kinda like drinking “just one more” until your liver just quits one day.

I didn’t just realize that I don’t like coming to my comfortable job every day, though. I realized I don’t really like being comfortable at all. Sometimes this manifests itself in intentional socially unacceptable behavior like singing out loud in a quiet library or eavesdropping and interjecting myself in others’ perfectly mundane conversations. It makes my heart race, not just to be at the center of attention, but to be doing something that others simply won’t. It makes me blush every time I stand up to get the attention of the innocent bystanders at a restaurant and request they sing “happy birthday” to my friends. It’s almost never someone’s actual birthday, but when the whole crowd is in on it, it’s convincing enough to earn us free dessert.

Beyond all that nonsense, I enjoy the thrill of being terrified. I liked going to Singapore and getting left behind on a train platform, separated from the rest of my group. I liked working for a coffee shop one year ago today, waiting to hear back from an engineering firm about my application. I didn’t like it at the time, but looking back, it was nice to not have so many constraints on living. I like the uncertainty of it all. I like the reminder that I’m not in control in this life. I like putting it all in God’s hands.

Sure, I also like control to the nth degree, but today, listening to “Hold On” by Twin Atlantic, I was reminded of the thrill of simply holding on for dear life.

8 thoughts on “I Want To Be Terrified

Add yours

  1. Thats true. 😊 Life is adventurous. Without pains and problems it feels so lonely. I’ve never experienced that.. but can imagine..haha! 😅


  2. Really good post. I think you’re right: some people (even if the majority don’t get it) don’t like to be comfortable. It can register as mundane and boring. Do you like new challenges?


  3. Well I know the things which I find boring, and I try to avoid them. They tend to be monotonous or routine. So in some ways the opposite things could be considered “challenges”. I really, really feel for you with the office and the lights and the 9-5 routine, that some of us are not made for, although we may have no other viable option.

    You sound like a Creative, possibly a Mystic, a Storyteller (an important role in society), maybe a Seeker(?), possibly a Romantic but also a Free Spirit, and then some.

    I’ve read your About page a few times and I’m still pondering it because it raises several interesting points and questions. That’s the kind of thing that holds my attention: a person who says they are a piece of a puzzle, but they don’t know which puzzle … And a person who writes of dream worlds such as Wonderland (my fave) and wanting to create dream worlds of their own … and who also wants to live a “different” lifestyle, and perhaps those experiences would be food for, or inspiration for, the dream worlds …? There are so may interesting threads to follow.

    For what it’s worth, you may belong to the puzzle called “misunderstood”. Or that could just be my own projections! 🙂

    People often tell me that I’m intense, or even overwhelming. Do you get that sometimes? Personally, I take it as a compliment, even though it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m definitely overwhelming to some people, though not many voice that. I love your interpretation of me, and it means a lot to me that you took the time to “examine” and “analyze” me haha. Would you mind explaining each of those a bit more to me, because I’ve only heard a couple of those terms before.

      You page intrigues me, though I must admit I am trying to tend towards the light, bright side of things at the moment. I intend to explore your stuff a bit more after getting a bit more filled with the “light.” Idk if I’m making sense, I hope you understand. I just know I appreciate all you’ve said about me, and I look forward to reading more into you as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi there, sorry for the delay. I downloaded some software that was actually malware, and that took a few days to get out of my pc, and I’ve been re-doing my blog. It was all over the place, and I needed to choose one thing and focus on that genre, which I’ve done. No worries about the dark and provocative nature of my blog; the people who like that kind of thing will gravitate towards it in due course. 🙂

    If you’re interested in how I interpreted your personality, I based it on Archetypes. You’ll find way more detail than I could type in an hour by googling “complete list of archetypes” and then seeing which ones feel right to you.


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