Some songs get you going and remind you who you are. This morning as I drove to work, this song came on and I listened especially intently to the words.
I had a rough day yesterday. I couldn’t find my self-worth no matter how hard I tried. Call it seasonal depression, called it a caged animal, I just wasn’t myself. This song reminded me that I used to have what I called “existential crises” (I like to think that crises with such epic names are more severe than what I went through, but I am a drama queen, so…). I’d have at least one per week sitting in my “little gray cube” at work. One week, they just went away. I thought maybe it was me growing up and maturing, but I honestly think if that’s what maturing does – numbing to the point of complete lack of emotional response to a situation and environment that does not suit one’s heart – then maturing must be the most poisonous and detrimental thing any person can do. Which is why I don’t think that is how maturity is defined or characterized. You can mature without losing your sense of wonder, believe it or not.
On to today: I woke up pretty much the same as yesterday only I was determined to not fall into the crap hole that was abysmal downwards spiraling from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep again. I have my own thoughts and beliefs on what I think happened this morning, but the moment I stepped out the door, I was borderline giddy. Not as giddy as I used to get, but still giddy. It was inexplicable, and as I drove in the crap traffic through the heart of the city, this song came on and reminded me, “wild, I am.”
Wild, I have always been, wild I will always be. My theory as to why I have been so numb for so long is that I found a way to tame the wild in an unnatural way. It’d be one thing if I found the Love of my Life and settled down to support her, which someday I hope to do (maybe not the settling down part, if she would be cool with it), but to force yourself to settle in to something you know doesn’t make your heart at least beat if not skip a beat, that’s just rude.
Not everyone is made to be wild, and not everyone is made for the same amount of wild as another. Listen to the song and ask yourself what your “wild” is. Ask yourself who you are. Then, listen to it at least a dozen more times as you figure out who you are, and sing it, replacing “wild” with your name.
December, I am.